dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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