all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
