She said her name was "party"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
