so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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