I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Two words: blizzard sex
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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