I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
