So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
