getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
