I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
