can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
