Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
