soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
