From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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