Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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