How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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