my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
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I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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