eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
