Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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