I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
