I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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