So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
