Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I need a beard to bite.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
