Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
