Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
