I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
