One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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