apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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