In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
