I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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