peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
