never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
