Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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