My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
