Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
