Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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