I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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