The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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