Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
