i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
