So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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