Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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