I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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