Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
