Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
