I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
