i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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