I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
