dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
