My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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