I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
