This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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