You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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