I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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