How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
