I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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