All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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