He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
