I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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