Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Randomize
