Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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