dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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