Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
